My wife didn’t tell me she was a victim of child rape – now I want a divorce

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 27 years and have two children. My wife recently told me that she was raped when she was 14, but said it wasn’t violent. She also said she had several adult partners when she was 15 and 16. We had talked about our past before marriage, but these things were not mentioned. If they had been, I wouldn’t have married them.

It’s hard for me to even look at her now. I feel like telling her I want a divorce, but I’m looking for a second opinion on what to do. Am I being ridiculous for wanting a divorce because of things that happened 35 years ago? –– THROWN IN MISSOURI

RATHER thrown: Consent laws can be confusing and change over time, and much can depend on the age of each partner. However, rape is rape. When your wife was 15 and 16 years old Adult may also have broken the law by having sex with her, even consensually. Having said all this, she might have benefited from counseling (if it was offered).

Maybe your wife didn’t talk about it before because she was afraid your reaction would be as exaggerated as before. Before you decide to divorce her because she was a victim as a teenager, I strongly recommend that you consult a licensed therapist, either alone or with her. Doing this will give you a better perspective.

DEAR ABBY: My first real adult love was a woman named “Sasha.” We had a whirlwind romance in the mid-80s. At the time I thought she was the one. The romance ended when she told me she was married. The last time I saw her was in a nightclub with her husband in the 80s.

I moved on and married someone else in 1990. However, I sometimes think of Sasha. I don’t remember her married last name so I can’t find her. My wife thinks it’s crazy that I want to talk to Sasha. I want to ask her if our relationship was real and if she loved me. When I was out and about in the area where I met Sasha, I would look at people to see if I might run into her. Do you think I’m crazy for wanting to have just one conversation with Sasha? –– BITTERSWEET IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR BITTERSWEET: It’s been 40 years since your turbulent romance with Sasha. What was a whirlwind romance for you may have been an affair for her. She should have told you from the start that she was married, but she didn’t, which makes me think she didn’t love you. People who love each other try to protect each other. Which leads me to your question. No, I don’t think you’re crazy, but I think it’s time for you to stop reliving the past.

TO MY READERS: Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement, begins at sunset. During this 24-hour period, observant Jewish people fast, pray and reflect, and formally repent of any sin they may have committed in the previous Hebrew year. To all who observe: May your fast be a meaningful one. –– LOVE, ABBY

Dear Abby was written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and created by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.