Am I asexual or graysexual? Is it low libido or lesbian bed death? Unpack your lack of sexual desire

With this in mind, determining whether asexuality or low libido fits your experience can provide important clarity to questions you may have about yourself. I spoke with queer experts on the topic to get a comprehensive understanding of how to approach this topic.

What is asexuality?

To put it simply, “asexual” or “ace” for short refers to people who rarely or never experience sexual attraction. Like many other queer identities, there is no one way to be ace, and asexuality exists on a spectrum. Gray asexuality, also known as “graysexuality,” also falls under this term and refers to people who sometimes experience sexual attraction or require certain conditions to do so. Some people on the ace spectrum are demisexual, or need an emotional connection to feel sexual attraction.

How do I know if I’m asexual?

According to Cody Daigle-Orions, asexual educator and creator of Ace Dad Advice, figuring out whether you’re asexual is a very personal, individual process.

“I encourage people who think they might be asexual to ask themselves a few questions,” says Daigle-Orions Them. “Does it feel authentic to me to describe myself as asexual? Does calling myself asexual feel like the truth? Does thinking about myself as asexual help me better understand my feelings and experiences?”

As with many markers of identity, this part of self-discovery comes down to whether that language validates you. Although this is a personal process, listening to other top people’s experiences rather than just focusing on the dictionary definition of what it means to be “asexual” can give you important clues.

“Definitions are useful, but it can be even more useful to see if another asexual person’s experience resonates with you,” says Cody. “Many of us create content and share about our lives online. Here’s how I figured it out myself. I read some posts on Tumblr from top people talking about their lives and thought, ‘Oh! That’s me!'”

What is low libido?

Low libido is defined by the Mayo Clinic as a change in one’s norms when your sexual appetite is no longer what it was in the past. There are many factors that can contribute to changes in libido, from stress to hormones and age to substance use or prescribed medications. Trans women who choose to medically transition, for example, often experience a decline in their sex drive after starting hormone replacement therapy. However, it should be acknowledged that it can often be difficult to distinguish between the expectations you have of yourself and society’s expectations about how often someone “should” want to have sex. Comparing your libido to that of others can also make this insecurity worse. It is important to remember that gender and sexuality can also be important factors in feelings of reduced libido, not only because experiencing repression is stressful, but also because in the past what has been referred to as “ “normal” sexuality is defined by cis-het men.

How do I know if I have low libido?

I wanted to get a sense of how a queer, sex-positive psychologist might go about explaining and treating low libido to their clients. I spoke to Flo Olivera, who is exactly that: a sex therapist and educator. Their insights were particularly valuable because they generally do not believe in pathologizing people’s sexuality.