How can you help your child learn to self-regulate?

Throughout our lives we need to be able to control our thoughts and behavior. We must do this to achieve various goals and get along with others – even when other distractions and impulses get in the way.

This is our ability to self-regulate, which begins to develop between the ages of three and five.

My colleagues and I have been researching what parents can do to help children learn to self-regulate. What are the dos and don’ts?

Why is self-regulation important?

A child’s ability to self-regulate has a major impact on short-term outcomes such as making and keeping friends, school participation, and academic progress.

Self-regulation allows children to continue pursuing a difficult task or situation and focus their emotions and behavior on achieving the goal.

For example, when a child is playing a game with friends, if they can self-regulate, they can wait their turn, follow the rules, and continue playing even if they lose. A child with a low level of self-regulation may become easily upset and frustrated, and in some cases may be dysregulated. This can include meltdowns.

But there can also be effects later in life. Low levels of self-regulation in preschool age are associated with a number of problems in adulthood, such as gambling, substance abuse, poor health, poor sleep, and weight problems.

The ability to self-regulate begins around the age of three, when the brain undergoes rapid physical growth. The period of peak growth is typically between three and five.

The ability to self-regulate is influenced not only by genetics, but also by children’s environment and experiences. This is where parents come into play.

Stepping in to “help”

Of course, parents want to protect their children from trouble. But sometimes this desire to protect and “help” children can hinder their development.

Children experience challenges all the time – it could be opening a water bottle, trying to find a certain toy in their bedroom, or tying their shoelaces. As parents, we can often rush to fix the problem immediately.

But experiencing and overcoming challenges is important for children’s brain development. When parents give their children a difficult task, they can learn to think flexibly, find solutions and work persistently towards the goal. It also teaches them that they can handle things themselves.

Persistence in play can translate into persistence in tying shoelaces, leading to fewer meltdowns over time.

What should parents do instead?

This is not to say that you should ignore your child if he or she is very distressed and gets stuck in a tree or has fallen and seriously injured himself.

But there are many other occasions when you can wait or help in less obvious ways.

For example, if a child is having difficulty finding the correct puzzle piece, parents should wait until the child either asks for help or shows visible signs of frustration.

If possible, simply start using guide words to help you rather than taking a hands-on approach. You can try using encouragement, questions, hints, and suggestions to guide your child toward a solution. For example: “Have you tried all the parts yet?”

Or when playing with Lego, parents might remind the child of their most recent success or ask, “What does the diagram show?” They might give a hint like, “Sometimes I have to take a few steps back to figure out where I went. “wrong,” or perhaps more directly, “How about we go through the steps together?”

This type of guidance means that the child is still the one solving the problem.

Step up your approach

If the child is still stuck, parents can use their hands to provide further guidance.

When completing a piece of a puzzle, a parent may move some pieces closer to the child to draw their attention.

If necessary, a more direct approach is to identify the part you are looking for and give it to the child so that he or she can insert it and remain active in completing the task.

The child may not have the piece the right way around, so parents should again use verbal guidance for encouragement or suggest turning the piece to see if it fits.

The children are still in charge

The most important thing to remember is that the child should guide you in how you help him.

Do not intervene without being asked or offer full support immediately.

You can use encouragement, hints and suggestions and then practical help. Continue to offer your child the opportunity to work on elements themselves. And know that their way of solving the problem may be different than yours.