It’s not a crime to shower your child with praise

“10 Things You Should Never Say to Your Child,” “All Good Parents Need to Learn This One Word,” “These Common Phrases They Say to Kids Are Actually Problematic”… the Internet (or at least the corner of it that references I am often pointed out). into) seems to work on the strong belief that there is a universal and “right” way to talk to your child.

I first became aware of this trend, I think, through a series of serious on-camera videos posted by American doctors, often wearing scrubs and stethoscopes, telling me about “this dangerous thing I keep seeing in my… See practice” told. I don’t know what I was expecting—splitting eyes or thumb infections, perhaps—but it turned out to be like praising a child for bravery. Or congratulating them on their good behavior. Or tell them not to cry.

Now, I’m not a doctor, and my only blue cotton two-pieces are pajamas, not gowns, but I would like to challenge such advice. Of course, it’s useful to learn other people’s ideas about raising children, and there’s definitely something to learn from other approaches and techniques. That’s why I love playgroups, children’s centers and parks. But I also think that parents and carers – if they are well supported, well informed and adequately resourced – are very capable of developing their own diction. We can and should be confident that we are able to develop our own sentences and engage in specific dialogue with our specific children. As much as we like the idea of ​​a “right” and a “wrong” way of doing things, I’m not convinced that there can ever be universal rules that apply to all families, personalities, backgrounds, and brains.

When I recently spoke to psychologist Emma Svanberg, known to many of us as a mumologist, she expressed that belief in the One True Script can make the daily work of caring for babies and young people even more difficult . “Being so careful with our language and feeling guilty when we say a word or phrase we consider taboo can cause great anxiety and pressure in our daily parenting,” she told me. “And – unintentionally – it can make it harder to connect with our child because we are so stressed about getting it “right.” And “Increase the likelihood that we will say things we don’t want to do because of this stress.”

I just went through one of those list articles that calls out and shames the so-called “problematic phrases” that seem to be thrown around by unhappy and harmful parents. These include “Well done,” “Hurry up,” “Be careful,” “Let me help,” and “We can’t afford that.” I am absolutely certain that I have said every single one of these to my child at some point. I’ve probably said most of these in the last few weeks. I dare say this will also be the case for every parent and carer reading this. And while I accept the rationale behind these warnings, I refuse to bother on the occasions when this occurs.