Why you shouldn’t dismiss the school bomb scare, even if it’s a hoax

Three schools in Madurai, Tamil Nadu received a bomb threat this week. Schools in Delhi, Bengaluru and Chennai also recently faced bomb scares. All of this turned out to be a hoax, but scores of students were evacuated, schools closed, and young people were filled with fear. Seemanthini Iyerwho works with Educational Mattersshares her experience – her children study at a school in Chennai that was exposed to a bomb threat – and tells us how parents can talk to children
If you were to ask parents what they want most for their child, I think happiness, health and safety would be among the top three answers. However, the cold reality is that we can always strive for it, but we can never 100% guarantee it the time. The imaginary scary monster under their bed, the nightmare that takes their breath away, an unfriendly face in the crowd, a scowling adult, a dark room at night, a strangely shaped shadow – there’s no telling what scares a child can do. And then there are the real villains – news of accidents, kidnappings, violence in places near and far, the illness of loved ones. In recent months, many of us have woken up to news of school bombings in many cities across the country. Things became very real in our home a few weeks ago when my children were asked to evacuate their school building under the direction of the police because their school had received a bomb threat.
My elder was bursting with the adrenaline rush that often accompanies events of this nature. His excited recounting of the events helped calm our nerves a little. When we spoke to him and learned details about how things had gone, we were reassured about how the school authorities had handled it. It was only later that I realized that my younger one had been unusually reserved after initially saying, “Amma, do you know what happened today?” Her father and I realized that our child was quite shaken by the incident.
It is the most natural reaction to want to calm our child when he or she is scared or shaken. And often it turns out to be ineffective. But we move on and watch as the child either resignedly agrees with us or stomps away in complete frustration, which can leave us feeling even more at odds. The fact remains that while the child may actually be safe, he or she may continue to feel unsafe. It can be difficult to accept this logically, but the quicker we come to terms with it, the better able we are to truly help our child. Children feel deeper than adults and cannot understand logic the way adults do because their brains are still developing. So what feels perfectly fine to you and me as adults may be deeply disturbing or even threatening to a child. This could be as simple as the height of the jungle gym or slide at the park or something much more sinister like a Bomb scare.

Take it slow

When we sat down with my daughter to talk about the bomb scare, the first thing she said was how far she was from the school building when they were taken to the playground. While acknowledging her presence of mind, we continued to reflect gently on her experience. It was important that she used her free time to share what had unsettled her and left her feeling insecure. She said she was willing to talk, so we stuck with it. If a child is not yet ready to talk, he or she may signal by crawling onto your lap if he or she is small, or by hovering around you if he or she is older, or by remaining completely still.
It’s crucial to first give them the space to process everything they’re feeling. So let them know that you are available to talk when they feel ready. Some children may end the whole event with an “I’m fine.” It helps to think about it again after a while, sometimes even the next day or a few days, to make sure they are truly okay and not just dismiss the experience as a coping mechanism.

Let the tears and stories flow

My little one is a detail-oriented storyteller, so sometimes in her stories we had moments of “Wow, there’s so much going on in that little head!” and other times we had to hold ourselves back from moving them along just a little bit faster. When children have a narrative – a way to transform their experience into a story in which they are the main character, they are well on their way to processing the experience and what happened to them.
This can involve a lot of emotions. Don’t be tempted to reassure her with phrases like, “Don’t cry, you’re fine now.” If we let them feel whatever they are feeling and show confidence that they can handle it while validating their feelings, then the battle is almost won! If the child begins to cry, comfort him nonverbally by stroking his back, hugging him tightly, holding his hand, or simply placing your hand on his lap in a calming manner. Then say, “That must have been scary, not knowing what was going to happen.” You also became angry because you saw many of the older children joking and laughing about it. It’s natural to feel shaken. What happened was scary.”

Acknowledge their fears

We often hear people say, “If you keep talking about it, the child will be reminded of the incident and become more and more afraid.” There is a chance that this will happen if the feelings are not acknowledged and accepted. The urge to say, “You were a brave child. You didn’t cry. “You’re totally fine” can leave the child confused about how they actually feel about what happened, as well as further distress or anxiety.
My daughter’s biggest fear was what if she never saw us again. It’s a big fear to sneak up on anyone. Talking about it and making her feel like the fear of being safe in our arms helped her cope. She also talked about the incident the next day and added herself that she was no longer so shaken. She may talk about it again if she sees a similar news report. Not all of us process everything at once. Some of us may do it in small chunks.

Identify the “safe circle”

Before everything was in order, she told us in no uncertain terms that she would not be going to school the next day. Instead of jumping into conflict right away, we told her that we knew how scary it was to even think about school and that we could discuss it later that day after dinner. Again, we sat together and accepted how scary this whole experience was and told her how important it was that she came back the next day to learn that school was a very safe place again. Seeing that her friends, teachers, and the school dogs in this room were all safe and back to normal would give her a new sense of security, too. She agreed after we found two teachers she could talk to if she felt unsure. She added that her brother was also there and she could be with him if needed. She is still a teenager and this is what happened to her. However, it may take longer for some children, especially if they are younger. You don’t miss school because it can be a fun outing at home. They may need a little more time to feel confident.
Research has shown time and time again how important this feeling is emotional security is there to help children thrive. And we can be their guardians.