Parents say “good girl” and “good boy” all the time. That’s why you should try saying something different

Good girl! Good boy!

Parents, relatives, and teachers say these phrases all the time and mean them in a positive way.

You can use it when a child puts on their shoes when asked, when they draw something interesting, or answer a math question correctly.

But this kind of language may not always be healthy or helpful. One problem is that children are not given clear feedback about what they have just done or said.

What could you say instead?

Praise and education

Praise has been considered a central part of raising children for decades. In the 1950s, influential US psychologist BF Skinner believed that rewards, including praise, positively reinforce desired behaviors.

In the 1970s, as interest in self-esteem grew, psychologists and other child development experts emphasized the importance of praising children.

But since the 2000s, psychological research has moved away from viewing self-esteem, and therefore praise, as central to a child’s well-being.

Similarly, early childhood education has shifted toward children instead developing a positive sense of identity. This means that children have a sense of security, belonging and achievement rather than a strong opinion of themselves.

Yet praise is still frequently mentioned in popular parenting advice.

Different types of praise

Some psychology researchers have defined praise as either informational (telling children about their strengths and actions) or evaluative (telling children whether or not they are good enough).

Similarly, American psychologist Carol Dweck categorizes praise as “personal praise” or “process praise”.

Personal praise focuses on stable characteristics such as personality or appearance. Process praise focuses on behaviors or efforts aimed at achieving an outcome, such as: B. learning to ride a bike or a baby’s first steps.

Research has found that praising one person can reduce young children’s motivation to challenge themselves and lead to feelings of helplessness when they fail.

In contrast, a long-term study of children whose mothers used process praise showed that these children were more likely to be self-confident in preschool and later in elementary school.

Process praise is informational and gives children feedback on their efforts and strategies to achieve an outcome (“I can tell by the way you puff how hard you ran in that race”). Personal praise is usually judgmental, often where there is little opportunity for change or only after success (“What a winner!”).

Are you looking for approval or are you looking for an improvement?

More broadly, constant praise can cause children to subconsciously feel like they are doing things for adult approval rather than for themselves.

This can work against the development of self-regulation and a healthy sense of identity.

Adults who give excessive praise (especially evaluative or personal praise) may assume that children need external rewards to do the right thing. This does not allow children to make good decisions on their own.

Recent research suggests that excessive praise using words like “incredible,” “amazing,” and “wonderful” can promote narcissistic traits by causing children to have an unrealistic sense of their own competence.

This can cause children to become resentful or angry over failures, in part because they believe that their worth depends on meeting adult standards. So, counterintuitively, excessive praise can weaken self-esteem.

The gender question

“Good Girl/Boy” also raises other questions around gender identity and self-esteem.

Research with adults found that men are more likely to view praise as informational (reflecting their competence), while women are more likely to view praise as evaluative (implying their need to conform to established behaviors).

Studies of children comparing boys’ and girls’ responses to praise also found that girls tended to respond more negatively to evaluative praise.

While some of this research is decades old and has been conducted in the United States, it is interesting to think about why this might be and whether it has to do with how we socialize children into gender roles. What subconscious messages do we convey through our praise?

What should parents do instead?

Three principles can support a healthy approach to praising children.

1. Give children realistic feedback about their behavior or actions. For example: “Well done. I can see you’re trying with your kicks” as opposed to “Amazing kicks!” You’re a superstar!”

2. Focus on your own learning or children’s improvement rather than competing with others For example, “Next time you play this piece, how about trying it faster?” instead of “That wasn’t as fast as Sophia can play it.”

3. Use praise to show children that they are valued regardless of what they do or don’t do. For example: “Well done! “I know you studied for this test every day” as opposed to “You’re Daddy’s A-Angel!”

All of these approaches support children’s confidence, empathy and resilience – qualities we all need in our complex world.