Let’s talk about… Is it OK to talk about sexual fantasies with your partner? – First post

Actress Gillian Anderson has just published a book about sexual fantasies. Titled WantIt catalogs a variety of fantasies submitted anonymously by women from all over the world.

It is not the first company to do this. In 1973, American author Nancy Friday published My secret gardena volume that sparked heated debates at the time and is now considered an important milestone in the sex-positive movement. Each book offers a fascinating snapshot of women’s relationships with their own sexuality at a different time in history.

Although settings, vocabulary, and specific fantasy content have undoubtedly changed over the past half century, there are striking similarities between the books. This applies not only to the subject matter—workplace affairs and group sex seem to have timeless appeal—but also to the way people think about their fantasies. For many women, shame in particular continues to play a major role in their feelings about their own erotic ideas.

Previous research suggests that most adults (of all genders) experience sexual fantasies, suggesting that many of us have wrestled with the question of whether to tell a partner about our fantasies. Over the past four years, we have conducted research that addresses the question: How do people decide whether to reveal their sexual fantasies—and what happens when they do?

Openness in a relationship

The women were seen in both My secret garden And Want The extent to which they have chosen to share their fantasies with a partner varies significantly. Some describe passionate relationships enhanced by the disclosure and implementation of erotic fantasies, while others intend to take their favorite fantasy to the grave.

We were interested in understanding the psychology of such radically different approaches. In a study published earlier this year in The Journal of Sex ResearchWe asked 287 people to think about a current or prominent sexual fantasy. We found that over 69 percent of participants had previously revealed their fantasy to a partner. More than 80 percent of them found this a positive experience.

Not surprisingly, participants often cited sexual desire as the main reason for opening up. For example, many said they shared their fantasy with a partner in the hope of living it out together. Others reported that they found talking about sexual fantasies arousing or that discussing secret desires allowed them to learn more about their partner.

Several participants stated that they valued honesty and openness, and that the level of trust and commitment in their relationship made them feel safe to share their fantasy with their partner.

However, not all reasons for disclosing fantasies were positive. Some said they had exposed their fantasies in a last-ditch attempt to spice up an unsatisfying sex life.

A taboo

In the group that chose not to share their fantasy, many cited its content as the main reason. Consistent with the accounts in both My secret garden And WantSome of our participants were ashamed of their fantasy or felt it was too extreme or taboo to share with their partner.

Some – particularly those whose partners had not responded well to similar conversations in the past – feared they would receive a negative response that could cause problems for their relationship. We also heard from several people who explained that, to put it simply, their fantasies were private pleasures that they had no desire or intention to discuss with anyone.

We have explored some of these ideas in more detail in a series of follow-up studies that have yet to be published. An important finding is that relationship characteristics are an important predictor of whether a person reveals their fantasy. For example, disclosure was more likely in relationships that already involved high levels of sexual novelty and exploration.

We also confirmed that the content of a fantasy is crucial to a person’s decision whether to share it. Anything that is considered unacceptable by a partner or otherwise potentially poses a threat to the relationship (e.g., a move away from monogamy) is unlikely to be disclosed. Even among participants who had shared a fantasy before, we found that more than half had at least one other that they didn’t want to share.

While our results suggest that people who tell their partner about their erotic daydreams usually receive a good response, we also found that the process by which people come to this decision can be complicated. Some people have good reasons to keep their imaginations to themselves.

Hopefully Want will help reduce some of the shame that comes with the common experience of fantasizing about sex. But its similarities to a book published 50 years earlier suggest we may still have a long way to go.

Matt Kimberley, Lecturer in Psychology, Birmingham City University; Jade Elliott, Lecturer in Psychology, Liverpool John Moores University and Samuel Jones, Lecturer in Applied Cognitive Psychology, The Open University

This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article.