Grieving mothers don’t want to hear their friends’ complaints about their children

Dear Eric: Within five years, both of my adult children died from illness and an accident. Three years have passed since the second defeat and the sadness is still great. But I’m taking advice.

Since I was a young mother, I still have many years left to be active. I find new ways to help my community, especially disadvantaged children.

My friends all have adult children who are entering the phase of life that my children were going through when they died. It is so difficult to get in touch with these women because they talk about their children and even complain about them. It’s very stressful because I have to play along like I’m interested. That’s not me.

I want to leave these friends behind and focus on my new life. Am I misunderstanding this? My counselor says I do and I want to leave her too.

– Twice grieving mother

Dear mother: Take this with a grain of salt: your advisor knows you and has a relationship with you, while I am a stranger who advocates for you and whose heart aches for you. But I think a little distance from these friends would be helpful, especially as you build new relationships with friends who can better identify with where you are now and where you’re going.

Every friendship goes through cycles. You and your friends are in different phases of life right now. You don’t have to pretend to be where they are just to get along. I hope they were there for you as you navigated this overwhelming grief. But it’s clear from your letter that you want more. It’s also okay to say with gratitude and love that this doesn’t work for me anymore.

Maybe take a break instead of quitting. It could end up being permanent, or you could find that time changes everyone involved.

My biggest concern – and perhaps something I should discuss with your counselor – is that leaving your circle of friends will isolate you. I hope you can connect with like-minded people through volunteer work or grief support groups. You are doing such hard and important work to heal and give meaning to your life. You should be proud of yourself and have people around you who support that. Please do not go it alone here.

Dear Eric: My brother died too early, at 32 years old. His son was 8 years old when this happened and I was always there in his life. I have taken on more responsibility. As he got older, we spoke on the phone and texted weekly.

Every year on my brother’s birthday I post a RIP with his photo on Facebook. When we were 20, I posted a funny story about us as teenagers – we drank a few beers, picked some corn from a farmer’s field, and had a “sword fight.” We got caught and had to work on that farm all summer until we finally had a close relationship with the farmer.

Friends commented, “Fun days!” and so on. My nephew became furious and texted me: “Your Facebook post has reached millions of people around the world and now everyone thinks my father was an alcoholic who disrespected no one!” I got the story and the photo immediately deleted. I apologized to my nephew via text message and sent him a card. (By the way, I don’t have millions of FB followers. I have 85!)

I tried to call but he blocked me. He wrote: “Your narcissistic toxicity has caused a BLOCK.” A few weeks later, relatives told me that this nephew had quit his job of ten years and was screaming that everyone was against him. Friends say that all of his recent posts are about betrayal. I’m stunned. Until this event, we had never argued. I was like a father to him. Is there anything I can do to repair this relationship?

– Amazed uncle