Your children are having a hard time | Opinion

According to a survey by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, ADHD, anxiety disorders, behavioral problems and depression are the most commonly diagnosed mental health disorders in children. In most children, there are signs of positive mental health: affection, resilience, positivity, curiosity, persistence and self-control.

What can be done early on to prevent our children from becoming anxious and depressed, leading to behavioral problems?

Acting out is what children do, and we as adults must restrain ourselves from meeting emotion with emotion, which is our natural inclination. An unregulated parent, teacher, or grandparent cannot make a child feel safe when he or she responds to a child in that unregulated state.

Depression in a child manifests itself in the child being unable to act – which is different from an adult with depression; However, it is also a “normal” part of growth for children to express themselves. Children expect correct and safe behavior from adults. Adults must reevaluate how they behave and what triggers their unregulated behavior before they can respond appropriately to a child’s behavior.

So what organizations could help me stay calm when my grandson (age 6) hits his little brother (age 3) or takes his cupcake and licks all the frosting and all I want to do is yell at him for being such a bully ?

First, the nonprofit FocusedKids teaches brain-based, social-emotional skills to children, parents and teachers in our Aspen schools. According to the website, the goal is to minimize overwhelm and promote greater calm within ourselves and the children we love so much.

Most children lack the ability to process what they think and see and therefore do not know what their feelings are and what behaviors allow them to express their feelings with acceptable and effective behaviors.

Social-emotional learning provides children with a range of protective tools and enables them to develop positive coping mechanisms. When both adults and children have these social-emotional tools, they can respond more constructively to challenging situations.

Connecting with children rather than correcting them is a more effective approach. Behavior design with reward tables and timeouts doesn’t work. We educate people who need to be given the skills necessary to live with, relate to, and understand their own complex emotional needs.

Behavioral conformity is not the most important thing in life, but rather building and maintaining relationships. When dealing with children, we must focus on their needs and their personalities through “connection.” Children will outgrow the methods of behavior control and become unmotivated by the reward or punishment methods used. By focusing on emotion regulation, coping skills, self-motivation, and procrastination or the ability to suppress immediate desires (e.g., “I want my brother’s cupcake”), children learn what is necessary for success in life.

As adults, we first have to learn inner skills before we can pass these skills on to our children. Dr. Becky Kennedy, in her book Good Inside, uses the term “connection capital” to refer to “the reserve of positive feelings that we hope to build with our children and from which we draw during difficult times or when the relationship between us becomes strained.” can create. If we don’t build this in our children’s early years, we will have nothing to fall back on when our children are teenagers and young adults.”

We can change. Yes, it is difficult and challenging, but yes, it is possible.

FocusedKids is an invaluable resource that we are fortunate to have in our community, along with other organizations that support us in this important task of teaching, parenting and grandparenting.

I’ve always thought, “I hope I’m a better parent than my own dear parents.” And I hope my children are better parents than I am.

Linda Viera is a certified midwife and member of the ANP Board of Health.