One parent’s story of son, others lost in Hamas attack on October 7th. ‘Unfathomable’

Ruby Chen doesn’t need to speak to get his message across. His grief is written all over his face, his mouth set in a firm, flat line.

When he actually speaks, at a breakfast for the Israeli ambassador during the recent Democratic National Convention in Chicago, he speaks plainly.

“We are 240 families,” he begins, explaining that he will avoid politics. “We are not spokespersons for the State of Israel. We are just people experiencing this tragedy. We are families. Our loved ones have been abandoned and must come back.”

Chen, 55, describes his story.

“I’m a U.S. citizen and grew up in New York City,” he says. “We moved to Israel about 25 years ago. I have a family, three sons. My eldest is here with me, also in the IDF” – the Israel Defense Forces, also known as the army. “That’s how we taught our children. Give. Commit when you can. My wife’s father is a former IDF Air Force fighter. He fought in the 1967 and 1973 wars.”

He holds up a large plastic photo of his son Itay Chen, bearded, grinning mischievously, 19, along with the request: “Take her home now!”

“When the time came, it was mandatory to join the IDF at the age of 18. In the Israeli army he joined the armored division. He stood out, as he always had as a child. He is the “sandwich”, the middle one who always has to find his way. Lots of extracurricular activities, from singing, dancing and climbing walls. Play professional basketball. As a member of the Israel Boy Scouts, he made it a point to give back,” says Chen.

“He was in a special tank with special capabilities. On the morning of October 7th he called – not us, he has a girlfriend. She received the last call from him. “You’re here now,” he said. … He was on a base, the one with the female soldiers who also experienced their tragedy.”

“At the time it was hard to figure out what was going on. The videos came out and we knew it was something different. We were unable to contact him. The next day, the police of the State of Israel set up a lost and found office, a repository for lost people.”

“He is not physically identified. Not in any of the hospitals. We as US citizens said, “Okay, let’s go to the US embassy.” I don’t want to go into politics. We are very bipartisan. But I must say that we have been blessed by this government. After four days, Foreign Minister [Antony] Blinken came in and sat with all the US families. President Biden had a phone call with US families on Friday. It should be a 15 minute conversation. He stayed on the phone for an hour and a half.”

He describes how a dozen US citizens taken hostage, including a family from Chicago, were released after a few days, and two more in November.

“We’ve been kind of waiting since November. The Prime Minister told us that a little more military pressure would bring them to their knees. That was 320 minus 50 days ago and we haven’t seen a deal. We could talk a lot about other culprits. The person responsible for getting my child back is the Prime Minister.”

Since Chen speaks about his son in the present tense, the next part is surprising.

“In March we get visitors again, there’s a knock on the door. This time the knock wasn’t so lucky. We have been informed that Itay will not come back alive.”

He was killed on October 7th. Chen was touched by the number of calls he received from the United States.

“I haven’t lived in the United States in 25 years. Good people – congressmen, senators, the secretary of state, the vice president, the president himself had 15 minutes to call me and my wife and talk like a grandfather telling his son that something bad happened and we have to deal with it somehow . We will always be grateful for what he did.”

The US is not just a mediator. They have a right to that.

Chen reminds people who call of the seven-day Jewish mourning period.

“We have this beautiful tradition that we call ‘Shiva,'” he says. “And I asked the president, ‘Do you know what Shiva is?’ He said of course. When you’re notified, there’s always a rabbi there and he says, “We can have the shiva.” And we said, “That doesn’t make sense since Itay is not physically here.” That’s why we decided, no shiva close. I have asked the Prime Minister several times, ‘What about a Shiva?’ When will that happen?’ Italy joined the IDF. The Prime Minister has an obligation. A legal obligation, a moral obligation. These 240 family members were abandoned and must come back. From our perspective, Hamas has not attacked either the IDF or the State of Israel. … They attacked the social fabric of the people of Israel. That’s why they took children, women and elderly people with them. This is the playing field on which Hamas plays. And we have to find a deal together, we have heard this several times: Hamas is no longer a strategic threat to Israel.

“It is unimaginable that a family member lives or is killed. The psychological warfare that we have from Hamas, unfortunately we have this kind of psychological warfare from our government. A deal is struck, a deal is about to close, then we’re back to square one. We love this administration. You have done a lot for us. But we are also critical. US citizens must come out. The US is not just a mediator. You have a right to that.”

He points out that the hostages captured on October 7 belonged to many religious faiths – Jews, Christians, Muslims, Hindus, Druze.

“My son joined the 45 US citizens killed by Hamas and is one of them. This is the highest number of US citizens killed in a terrorist attack since 9/11. The point is not that the US is just a spectator and mediator. Where is the justice for these 45 US citizens? We are critical and have to do what I have to do. It’s sometimes unimaginable. We must fight for something as fundamental as the return of our family members.

“I don’t understand how this issue has become politicized”

“For God’s sake, I don’t understand how this issue has been politicized, not only in Israel but also in the States. We just want to get back to our simple life. We just want our family members back. Think of us. It’s easy to blame other people. My mother, may she rest in peace, used to say: Before you blame others, look at yourself. Look in the mirror and see what you could do? I challenge each and every one of you: What could you do today? I would say the same about our Prime Minister. Go where you need to go and bring these people back. Why? Because it happened on your watch.

“We received messages from the State of Israel asking us, ‘What would you like to do to mark the one-year anniversary?’ That’s what you’re asking us? Is this what interests you? Get these people out. I don’t want to have a one-year anniversary for this. Enough.”

Update: I called Chen at his home in Netanya, Israel, to check on developments since August, and we started talking baseball. He’s watching the playoffs. “I’m watching the games with the guys and one of the guys is missing,” he said. Chen will not light an annual candle for Italy, as Jews do on the anniversary of a death, because he is hopeful since no body has been recovered. However, he will do this for the other victims, and Jews around the world choose a name from the Times of Israel page of memory and to light a candle in memory of that person on October 7th.