Wayne & Wanda: Election season is putting a strain on my partner and our relationship. Help!

Dear Wayne and Wanda,

I never thought I’d write for advice because my girlfriend and I both know we’re in this forever, marriage, family, the whole thing. But it’s politics of all things and I’m completely at a loss. We moved here together after college, have good jobs, and really love our life in Alaska. We follow local and state politics and even talk about the decisions, actions and inactions of our leadership. And we take voting seriously, but don’t care about all the political production…until a few weeks ago.

We were loading groceries into the car when a man pulled up in a truck with bumper stickers covering the tailgate. Some of them attacked one candidate and defended another that we don’t support. She looked at the driver as he got out and asked him rather loudly if he wanted children to see this type of message. He laughed, turned around and walked towards the store, but she lost it. She asked how he could support someone who would deprive women of their right to health care and destroy this state. He just moved on, which was fine with me because I didn’t want it to escalate.

But my girlfriend couldn’t help it. She cried all the way home, completely overwhelmed. I have never seen her so passionate about politics. When we got home, she talked about donations and volunteering, and since then she’s been obsessed with the news, X, and social media, even discussing the election and candidates with people in comments. It consumed her.

Personally, I choose the person and the issue, wait for the election cycle to end, and then move on with my life. She used to be like that too. But now she’s disappointed by my lack of enthusiasm and frustrated that I don’t engage with her on that level. It feels like I’m constantly trying to deal with her stress too, and I’m not sure how I’m going to handle it between now and Election Day without losing my mind…or making her lose her mind!

Do you have any advice on how I can help her stay calm but also stay out of it? I don’t want to get caught up in politics or politics, but I also don’t want to make her feel unsupported.

Wanda says:

I recently had an interesting conversation with my mother about political action. She lives in the Lower 48 and had recently installed both a giant yard sign and a large banner on her patio across from one of her small town’s major streets, both promoting her presidential candidates of choice. She also wore a new trucker hat and had at least two t-shirts (there could be more!).

I wondered verbally, more so out of curiosity, why people bother with lawn signs and the like: Does it change anyone’s mind? For her, Mom said it was more about what was currently within the realm of possibility for her in terms of political expression. She recently had knee surgery and is therefore unable to knock on doors. She has severe hearing loss and therefore cannot make phone calls. But she can hang signs and wear T-shirts. She also asked for postcards to be written on behalf of her preferred candidates.

Maybe you could introduce some of these concepts to your friend. There are ways to engage in politics that can actually lead to action, visibility, and connections, and there are ways that are exhaustive and pointless. What are her superpowers in advocacy and where could she channel her energy that might lead to more results and less fear and negativity? She has a lot of passion: if she channels it correctly, she could have a really positive impact on leadership with her beliefs and values.

Wayne says:

It’s a good thing you don’t care about politics, my friend, because you wouldn’t last long in this world. First mistake: You are honest. Second: You are sensible. Third: You can’t deal with conflict. And finally: Say the quiet parts out loud. Wondering how to keep a girlfriend calm? That’s a surefire way to start relationship impeachment hearings.

I’ll give you a pass because you’re honest, sensible, and seem to be coming from a place of love. But you won’t get a pass from your girlfriend because, as with most sensitive relationship issues (family, finances, etc.), this situation will only get worse if you avoid communicating about it.

So be that honest, sensible guy and talk to her. Hopefully you both agree that you can be civically involved on different levels. Ultimately, what’s most important is that you don’t lose connection with your base – you put your partnership first and support each other.

If she wants to channel some healthy energy into politics (see Wanda’s excellent advice), make her a coffee to sip while she waves signs at a busy intersection early in the morning, or give her an evening off for dating outings, phone calls to lead. The expectation is that she will provide the same understanding and support and dial down her overactive activism during your time together.

[Dear Annie: My family is being torn apart by polarizing politics in our group texts]

[How do I get my friend to stop talking about politics?]

[Wayne and Wanda: I lied about my age to meet more mature guys, and my boyfriend doesn’t know]