Orgasm gap? It’s more complicated

A recent New York Times article reports that men and women are more likely to climax during sex than women.

The Times laments this as “The Orgasm Gap,” as do some of my colleagues. Although many people value orgasms (some of my best friends have them), orgasm is not the most important part of sex.

That’s why orgasm is the wrong yardstick to measure people’s sexual experience. A better question would be: How much do you enjoy sex?

But many people have sex that they don’t particularly want. Or they have sex under suboptimal conditions. So an even better question would be: How much do you enjoy sex when it takes place at a time, place, manner and with a person you choose?

You may think that this isn’t realistic or that this isn’t most people’s experience. And you would be right. So why? The?

There are many answers, including external pressure and coercion; internal messages and self-awareness; Alcohol; and opportunism (having sex when it is available rather than waiting for the right time and situation).

BACK TO THE “GAP”

Back to the so-called orgasm gap: Let’s look at other possible “gaps” and ask ourselves why they don’t get more attention.

Instead of the orgasm gap, how about the pleasure gap? Note that “enjoyment” is NOT the same as “pleasure,” which is narrower than “pleasure” (which might include the satisfaction of generosity, for example). Or the gap between intimacy and sex? Or security vulnerability? For many women and men, these aspects of sex are actually much more relevant than orgasm. And men do not outperform women in all of these respects.

By using orgasm as a benchmark, you can blame a patriarchal world of selfish men for the unhappy women who don’t climax. But women of ALL orientations orgasm less often than men of ALL orientations.

In fact, a broader view of sex between the sexes makes comparisons of male and female sexual experiences look very different. For example:

~ Gap: Multiple orgasm
Depending on the survey, between 15 and 40% of women suffer from it. Less than 7% of men do this. (7%? I would say a tenth of a percent.)

~ Gap: Coming too quickly
Rapid ejaculation is the most common sexual complaint among young men and is still a problem for 25% of men over 35. Women? Has anyone ever complained that their partner climaxed too quickly? Has any woman ever complained about this?

~ Gap: The responsibility to initiate sex
Women who have sex with men rarely complain that they would like to have more sex. Men, on the other hand, often complain that they would initiate sex less – IF only their partner would initiate more. And while there’s flippant talk of “performance anxiety” in the media, there’s little discussion of how men resent being responsible for a couple’s sexual frequency.

~ Gap: Fake orgasm
Yes, some men fake an orgasm: they want to finish a particular sexual encounter, and their partner won’t stop until she’s sure she’s “done her duty” and “satisfied him.” But the vast majority of fake orgasms – and thus deluded men – are staged by women.

No one wins in a situation like this – there’s no dignity in pretending, she gets no sympathy when she’s sexually frustrated, and he doesn’t learn what’s needed. And once you’ve faked it half a dozen times, it’s really hard to stop. Not impossible, just difficult.

So maybe let’s take a moment and have compassion for men who are so focused on cumming that they miss out on the rest of the good things sex has to offer.

WOMEN OF ALL ORIENTATIONS

In general, the media, blogosphere, activists and public focus too much on the differences between men and women. But sexually, adult men and women are more similar than different. They both want the same thing; both struggle with the same things; and both have sex that they neither enjoy nor want.

And by the way, what do women of ANY orientation do to undermine their orgasms?
~ Discomfort with her body
~Lack of knowledge (or rejection of what they know) about their body and gender
~ Too little communication with a partner
~ Settling for sex that is not sufficiently focused on their pleasure
~ Attachment to religious ideas that promote feelings of guilt and shame and devalue women’s pleasure.

Unreliable orgasm is NOT the biggest sexual problem that most women (or men) face. But almost every woman can change that if she wants. And if she has a partner who says, “You’re the one with the problem, leave me out of the project to solve it,” that shouldn’t be treated as a sexual problem – it’s a relationship problem. More orgasms won’t fix this.