I ask Eric: Both my children died, but my friends complain about their children

Dear Eric: Within five years, both of my adult children died from illness and an accident. Three years have passed since the second defeat and the sadness is still great. But I’m taking advice.

Since I was a young mother, I still have many years left to be active. I find new ways to help my community, especially disadvantaged children.

My friends all have adult children who are entering the phase of life that my children were going through when they died. It is so difficult to get in touch with these women because they talk about their children and even complain about them. It’s very stressful because I have to play along like I’m interested. That’s not me.

I want to leave these friends behind and focus on my new life. Am I misunderstanding this? My counselor says I do and I want to leave her too.

– Twice grieving mother

Dear mother: Take this with a grain of salt: your advisor knows you and has a relationship with you, while I am a stranger who advocates for you and whose heart aches for you. But I think a little distance from these friends would be helpful, especially as you build new relationships with friends who can better identify with where you are now and where you’re going.

Every friendship goes through cycles. You and your friends are in different phases of life right now. You don’t have to pretend to be where they are just to get along. I hope they were there for you as you navigated this overwhelming grief. But it’s clear from your letter that you want more. It’s also okay to say with gratitude and love that this doesn’t work for me anymore.

Maybe take a break instead of quitting. It could end up being permanent, or you could find that time changes everyone involved.

My biggest concern – and perhaps something I should discuss with your counselor – is that leaving your circle of friends will isolate you. I hope you can connect with like-minded people through volunteer work or grief support groups. You are doing such hard and important work to heal and give meaning to your life. You should be proud of yourself and have people around you who support that. Please do not go it alone here.